It's a part of our internet going lives, spam. It's everywhere, unavoidable. Only thing is, I really don't get much spam (if any, honestly, I don't remember getting any types of spam) on the MSN Messenger and AIM services. I do however, get loads of it from Yahoo. Didn't use to. It really has escalated since this January. These random, "Hi <username>, website." It used to be once or twice a day beginning with it, but today alone I had 10 of them! 10! If I don't click their links the first time what in the WORLD makes them think I'm going to click it when they repeatedly put it in my face. I'm not common, "Hey look! Links! Let's click everything and get infected with spyware." There's a reason that my older pc has been running FOR 7 YEARS! I know I could immediately end it by simply blocking everyone who isn't a friend. One problem. Trillian. I don't want to have a billion programs installed. I used to not like trillian, it was buggy, bulky, and slowed my other pc down. This pc, can run Command & Conquer 3 and Call of Duty 4 at the same time and not blink about it (I found that out by mistake one day.) I do enjoy using Trillian, but this spam is just incredible. With this much spam not being stopped by Yahoo!, maybe they're being "monetarily persuaded" to overlook it, or directing it all at Trillian users. Quite frankly, it's ticking me off and I may just tell Trillian to stop signing into Yahoo all together.

Just... what is it? What is it about love that makes it... so desirable? I don't understand it. I feel empty inside as if someone had just taken my heart and ripped it out. I've never felt this way before. I don't know why I feel this way. Everywhere I look, all I see is love, love, and more love. What is love? Why is it so.. desirable? It only seems to bring misery and pain. I don't know if I'll ever find someone capable of tolerating me, but why does my heart ache so bad? Why do I feel like I want someone there for me and... just for me? I don't get it. Something in my mind so yearns for it, but all I can recall about it is misery and pain. I feel like I'm standing on an island that is crumbling into the sea, being eaten away by waves of confusion, misery, and pain. Only, this island, isn't an island, it's my heart. Why oh why must I endure this? I don't understand this pain. I just want someone for me. I want someone who is always there for me, is into the stuff I'm into, someone to show me new things that I haven't discovered yet, someone intelligent, someone to see me for who I am and not what I look like. I know this doesn't sound very manly, but throughout my life, I've never been very manly. I'm not buff, I like creating, playing and listening to all types of music, except rap, but honestly, what does being manly have to do with anything? I want to be who I am, not what others want me to be. I want to be able to look into the mirror and say, "I am Christopher Lee Johnson." Normal, that doesn't exist. Nothing... is normal. Life seems to be filled with both happiness and sadness. It always seems like happiness is always ended by sadness. A few summers ago, I was happy to have met and become friends with someone from my youth group, but then... my father passed away. It strengthened our relationship, but alas, like most high school aged romances, it ended after a year and a half of being. We stayed friends, or at least, I still consider her a friend, don't know if she still considers me one. Honestly, I could care less who reads this journal, if at all. I'm an okay trumpet player, I can sing well (or at least, I would have made the top choir if I had chosen choir over band [that's the results of the tryouts]), I like making things like IRC bots and short little audio promos, I enjoy anime, but overall I'm average. I'm not extraordinarily good at anything, but being an annoyance to others. If you're reading this, know that I'm not going to do anything stupid or rash, like killing myself. I feel those of you reading this, if anyone takes the time to read it may feel as if I'm being overly depressed, well rightly so, I am a bit depressed, my brother is in the hospital and I can't go visit him. Honestly yes, I would like some attention instead of being the guy that sets everything up, breaks it down, fixes it and tries to help out. It felt good to have my name called out in Texas Stadium in front of a crowd of two to five thousand people for being the brass line marcher of the week. Any other attention I've ever received seems to be from hardship or me being plain annoying. There are probably some people in this world who wish me to be dead, they probably aren't the first and probably wont be the last. If you're still reading this, I applaud you, you're probably one in a million, you're someone who should be cherished by the rest of the world. I'm tired of all the fads, the hype, popular things, they're just a waste of time and money. Anyways, if you are still reading, thank you, even if I never know who you are, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is my dream to have my words read by others so that I'm not just another drop in the bucket. Honestly though, I just wish I could find someone... just for me.

So... anyone else think 8 hour practices (4 hours of marching in the morning, then an hour for lunch then another 4 hours of rehearsal [non marching]) is fun? Well... the first couple of days, I had fun, but this has been going on for two weeks. I'm exhausted. I'm the Logistics officer for the Spirit of Waxahachie Indian Band which means I get to move a lot of equipment to and from the practice field, which is a parking lot made of black asphalt and it makes 100 F weather feel 120 F ish. Needless to say, I have a very... dark tan now. Our show this year is... well insane. Most bands don't go faster than 120 bpm, well.. our show STARTS at 172. After two week's we actually can play and march the opener. It's amazing. The feeling when you do that in the first two weeks, is indescribable. Seeing as two years ago when we made it to state, it took us seven weeks before the opener was being played as well as marched. I am excited, I've never been wanting to make a show work as much as I do this one. The boosters for our band bought a $5000 field PA system (I might grab pictures eventually for you all to drool over). It has two subwoofers, two regular speakers, the mixer has 16 inputs. The new assist. band director and I put it together last night and then I got out the Yamaha Motif es8 keyboard and plugged it into the mixer. Armstrong (head band director, also drum major of the cadets back in the 80's when they won the world championship 3 times in a row) came out and then he, Mr. Cook, Corbin (one of the drummers) and I brainstormed what to do at the beginning of the show (the first 32 counts are unwritten). When we start the show, what we do with the keyboard is going to catch EVERYONE in the stadium's attention. I mean EVERYONE. At half volume (on the mixers, barely touched the amplifiers) it was loud enough to make the snare drums buzz. Even though it means I and my crew will probably have to be at practice an hour early on Monday (we're doing 5-9 instead of the 8-5) I can't wait to have this thing on the field. I do believe that once we get the whole show learned we have not only a good chance at GOING to state, but WINNING at state (we placed 11th last time and were three points out of finals).

What is it about human nature that makes relationships seem so desirable? In my opinion, the bond that is between a boyfriend and girlfriend should be strong enough to withstand a hurricane. Courtship does precede marriage and should be treated as essential practice for marriage. For some people their "girlfriend" is the one night stand they had in the back of the bar last night. For others, like me, it's much, much more meaningful. To me if you become my girlfriend it means you've accomplished a higher level of friendship, greater than that of even a best friend. Someone I can trust, talk to, have fun with and is at the same time trusting, wants to talk to me, and also want to have fun. What happens to the person in a relationship who believes like I do when they break up over a trivial reason, such as not talking enough because of something like marching band? It devastates them, at least it has me. It's been almost six months since my first breakup yet... I can't shake this feeling that I've been cheated or stabbed in the back somehow. She says she's moved on, but... I don't know, maybe it's from being brought up by parents who grew up in the 50-60's when moral values were much greater than they were now in my opinion (towards relationships that is). Now I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust a woman enough to become her "boyfriend" because of the fear that I'll just get burned again. I guess I've just lost faith in human nature. We're such "civilized" creatures aren't we? It seems all human nature cares about is war, propagation, money, and power. I can't grasp why someone would want to end a relationship that lasted more than a year over such a trivial reason. I don't know, I'm not God, I don't know what's going to happen in my life. I just know, I don't want to be burned again.

- swordofdestiny

I joined dA because I really loved 's art. I try stuff, but I can't do poo. I can't even follow tutorials worth crap, I always mess something up. I can't even follow a freakin tie tutorial... Anyways, at least I have A-Kon tomorrow, and I can still play my trumpet well. I may be good at music and somewhat talented at writing, but not so much at drawing... I can't even draw a freakin bridge.... Maybe my photos from the band banquet will turn out well. Anyways, off to bed so I can go to A-Kon tomorrow. I don't have a costume or anything... Was going to go as the Major from Hellsing, but I didn't have time to make the costume.